While I am moderately happily married NOW….and to clarify I say this because while I have times I love him, there are other times I want to drive him off a cliff…. just being honest. I would never actually do it, but let’s be honest, even the happiest couples have their moments.
I am honest enough at this point in life, considering that I will write often enough about the “I’m so happy facade” that I think it’s only fair to be honest about my moderately happy life.
So I was once was once single myself.
At the time this whole experience began, I was over 30, divorced and was lonely.
Some friends, against my better judgement, convinced me to try the whole internet dating thing.
Now I realized quickly it was not for me, but in the process learned some pretty good ways to see past that “profile”.
Which is the point of this post.
Now I first wrote about my experiences at the time via e-mail to my friends..
As a joke....
It had been another disaster with one of these on-line “profiles” that ended badly.
In my frustration, I do what I often do I wrote. And with that very often comes out, especially when I know the audience (in this case my close friends) is my sarcasm.
I recall sitting on my computer, taking out my frustration with my words.
Now, I will be perfectly honest, if there is a heaven (check back for my post on that later), I am NOT going there.
This e-mail, I was about to send, assuming it that had not been determined already, would solidify that.
In fact, that lead me to the “subject line” of that e-mail “I am SOOOO going to hell”. There was also two parts, I still had another "date" coming up and would likely again need to share that next freak of nature.
But as I was typing about these “men” I had met, and in one case I use the term “men” lightly, the frustration brought out my mean streak, which often becomes exaggeration, which becomes quite humorous if I do say so myself. Well depending on your sense of humor....
But, my friends get my humor, and by the end I was literally lol’ing all on my own so I was looking forward to their replies.
As I got those replies from my friends who also apparently had lol’d, I also got a reply “you should write a book!”. Not the first time I had heard that, but still…. That friend then forwarded my e-mail to her husband who later replied “you should seriously write for sitcoms".
Well we will see , but for now, while I may share that email on my blog later with names removed…
For now let’s move on to these tips for Internet dating.
The fact is, finding "the one" can be quite the process. There are those lucky few that meet young and grow old together but let's face it, it's not the norm. And some of us who didn't get I lucky often found ourselves divorced and over 30. And well, yikes! It's pretty scary out there. So many people walk around as if they are normal. But under the surface their freak flag is dying to be put up that pole.
So now for you hidden freaks, my rules may not apply to you. But for that normal person struggling to find "the one" and you have decided to try this internet dating option. Please read.
I hope it at the least helps narrow now the pool and rule out some of the less obvious "hell no's!".
So here goes...
Rule 1. If they have only 1-2 photos…. Unless looks do NOT matter to you at all, you are done.
It’s a good rule. Trust me. But allow me to explain. Let’s face it, it’s 2013 people. What adult do you know does not have a cell phone complete with camera, photo editing tools, and Internet access. Well besides your grandparents. So with the technology today you can download the Match.com app (yep, there is an app for that…#match) on your phone, take your selfie, and upload it right to your profile without leaving your couch. So there is NO excuse. So if you are checking out a profile, and there are still only 2 photos, it is because they are less than attractive. I am not being mean, just honest. But please test my theory. I would love to see if I am ever wrong.
Rule 2. If they look “too good” and are “LOVIN LIFE" you are done.
Face it, who really wants to be single? Clearly not you! Especially if you are using the Internet to “meet people”. So while they can be a great person that is fairly happy with life, just ready to meet “the one”, I have learned that the person that posts constantly about how they are “lovin life” is usually full of shit. Now one place that I think is acceptable, and to be honest, I have done it myself, is those posts where you are trying to show up the ex in the event they cyber stalk your page.
But in a dating profile it is a red flag. So “lovinlife2013” could turn out to be your next ex. So proceed with caution and don’t say I didn’t warn you. I speak from ALOT of experience. Unfortunately.
Rule 3. They have tons of photos, are clearly very attractive and they are rich.
Run! No serious, RUN!
These types are either “already” married, a serial killer or they likely have dual profiles on “bangme.com and like golden showers!
Now I get that many people have met and gotten married to someone great on these sites. Good for them. And I would love the opportunity to do some actual surveys and statics (or I would rather someone else analyze that data and just tell me the results I hate to analyze shit) and see if maybe my results were “not typical”. But after “manis and pedis”, “would not tell me his real name”, “I’m a professional wakeboarder that even google has never heard of”, “bi-polar”, “stalker”, “I’m looking for the a nice girl I can fuck tonite”, “here’s a close up of my penis”, “400 pound 'athlete'", and “purple velvet suit" guy… I was done.
Did I really name them? Sure did. It was easier than remembering names.
So, I am going to wrap up this post as it’s not about these special guys, but the rules.
Stay tuned….I will share the details and why these guys got their nicknames at some point.
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